me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
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Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I need this for my side hustle.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Welcome
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.