I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
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*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
“you recording!?”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.