Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
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Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
*limbos away from your hug*
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.