🤣😈🤣
You Might Also Like
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁