I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
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A fake ID that makes you younger
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.