I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
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We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’