Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
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turning my gender off to conserve energy
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
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2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup