*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
If you know, you know
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.