The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
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The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.