10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
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20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE