You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
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When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it