If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
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[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
the saddest jazz hands ever
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.