90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
You Might Also Like
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird