You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
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the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok