A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
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Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
yea so i messed up lol
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason