I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
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Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.