My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
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Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
My wife gives the best headache.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?