You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”