Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
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[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
my first dose meeting my second
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))