english majors be like furthermore
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[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?