My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
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Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.