Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
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Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.