Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
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Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.