If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
You Might Also Like
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.