My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
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*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.