(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
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It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Breaking news:
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to