Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
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First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
seems fine
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
me when I see my crush
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad