[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
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Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
These aren’t even hard anymore.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I’m already scared
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*