4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
You Might Also Like
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.