Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
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COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
The three genders.