My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
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what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Doggies just call it style.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Sharon I have some bad news
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.