Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
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Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
What number SPF blocks people?