3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
You Might Also Like
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.