You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
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Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
had to make it
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk