The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
You Might Also Like
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon