I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
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It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN