1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
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[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Whisper out to librarians!
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good