fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
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Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?