[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
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Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
🍛
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.