Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
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*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
this is the news I live for
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
There is wisdom there.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*