Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
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Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*