My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
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My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Note to self: always read the final line
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
yes… yes…
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.