My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
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If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Wednesday
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.