Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
You Might Also Like
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine