“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
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Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I am, perchance
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process