I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
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I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
what the
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?