A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
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Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.