noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
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[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Cashiers are always checking me out
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.