Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
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im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
A Short Story.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again