nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
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Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
What the hell is going on?
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.